I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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