OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
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Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
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if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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