so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Randomize
