smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
