Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
