I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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