i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
