a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
