I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
