if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
