so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
