I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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