she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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