Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
