I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
