im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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