Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
