my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
