you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
