Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
