He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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