Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize