I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The air was thick with penises
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
