the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
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You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
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it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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