The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
