awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
