I am puke
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Boobs speak an international language.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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