Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
