We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
