i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize