tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
