I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Randomize
