my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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