Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
