I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
