...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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