There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
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