I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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