i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
