I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
