Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
