I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
