In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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