My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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