he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
