He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
