Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
