My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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