We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
