We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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