After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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