Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
