Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
