I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
