No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
