why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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