Can Purell be used as lube?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
