your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
